Have you seen the movie Up? In case you haven’t seen it, or you have and just need a refresher, let me give a quick recap of how the movie starts. We meet Carl and Ellie, children at the time, and follow their story for a bit. We see them live a whole life together in the first ten minutes of the movie. They dream, they plan, they deal with disappointment and heartbreak. To be honest, it’s a lot. My husband and I both cry over their desire for kids, loss and eventually Ellie’s death.
When the movie shifts to present day, Carl is grieving and has isolated himself. And the world has changed around him. The sweet house that he and Ellie shared is surrounded by commercial development and they are desperate to get his home and use the property, too. Things come to a head when Carl has an altercation with a construction worker. They knocked over the mailbox, the one that Ellie painted, and the worker is trying to fix it and Carl just wants it back. So, he whacks right over the head with his cane.
What if the movie started here? What if the opening scene was Carl getting violent over the mailbox? The movie would feel totally different. He’s a criminal on the lam, escaping justice for his crimes. But we get to know the story behind that scene and it changes everything. It doesn’t justify Carl’s actions, but it does allow us to have compassion and empathy for him.
We often judge people in our world based on a snapshot of their lives. The server who was rude to us or forgot to refill our drinks. The child screaming at the top of their lungs while mom continues shopping. The man at Starbucks screaming at the barista and demanding to speak to the manager. It’s easy to move toward judgement because all of these moments are taken completely out of context.
I spend a lot of my time hearing other people’s stories. As a therapist, that’s a big part of my job. What I’ve found is that people make sense in the context of their stories. It makes sense that Carl had a strong reaction to his mailbox being damaged because his late wife painted it and it has her handprint on it.
We judge others because we create the story for them and we are not often very kind in it. The server is a jerk and not very attentive. The mom is failing to parent. The Starbucks customer is unreasonable. It is certainly possible that these stories are true. It’s also possible that the server just lost her mother and it’s her first day back at work. The mom has a child who screams all the time, no matter what (maybe colic, maybe sensory issues) and she’s doing the best she can to keep functioning in the world. Maybe that guy at Starbucks just found out his wife had an affair. In light of these stories, the behavior makes sense, right?
I’m not trying to justify bad behavior (to be very clear, the mom is not exhibiting bad behavior!) I just want to make the point that, with a few exceptions, we’re all just doing the best we can. Sometimes we blow it. When we do, there’s probably a reason for it. And what we need is not judgement and reprimand, we know it’s not ok, but we do need some compassion, empathy and grace.
I always tell clients that the first step to trying to change any type of behavior or thought pattern is to start noticing when it’s happening. So, start noticing when you move toward judgement. What story are you telling yourself to explain their behavior or choices? Now, what are some other possible stories that might make their behavior make more sense to you? If we could all look at one another with a bit more empathy and compassion, wouldn’t the world be a kinder place?
