I still remember my mom’s 40th birthday. Black balloons. Signs that said “Lordy, lordy, look who’s 40.” I celebrated my 40th birthday last week and it’s a strange feeling to be an age I can remember my mom being.
My friend, Beth, asked me what I wanted to do to celebrate. As an Enneagram 9, I had no idea how to answer that question! So, I took some time to think about it.
I’ve always wanted to run a half marathon. It’s on my bucket list. I’ve trained and completed a couple of 5k’s, and that’s amazing, but I always believed I had it in me to do a half. Years ago I was considering it, but we were also trying to get pregnant, and then I was pregnant, and then I had a little one. Once Noah got a little bigger and I figured out better balance, we were trying to get pregnant again! I knew I didn’t want to start training and work hard just to have to cancel because I was pregnant. So, I decided, that’s how I want to mark my 40th year. And it turned out to be one of the top five decisions of my life.
If you read this post, you know that I have a complicated relationship with my body. So, going into training, I decided that I wanted to train in a way that was kind and healthy for my body, not beating it into submission, but partnering with it to do this well. I had a few goals: 1) Don’t throw up. 2) Don’t get injured. 3) Run the whole thing.
In this spirit, I decided to start slow in my training. I’d done the couch to 5k plan a couple of times and found it to be really good. So, that’s what I started with and I built from there. I did some research on training plans and lots of people have lots of theories around what’s best for you. By the time I finished the couch to 5k, I was about 10 weeks out from my race and decided to start trying to add about one mile a week until it was time to taper. I also found that what worked best for me was to do a four or five mile run once or twice a week and to do a short 1-2 mile run the day before a long run.
So far I have not thrown up or been injured. I’ve also learned to listen to my body. Because of that, I have let go of my third goal. Ultimately, my more important goal is to finish the race without injury. And if that means I need to walk for a minute and stretch to get blood flow back to my calves, that’s what I want to do. Because my body, she is my partner in this whole thing, and I want to give her what she needs.
Listen, I have never loved running. I used to dread the Presidential fitness challenge and rarely finished in the time limit. Fourteen year old Casey would be so proud of me! I ran nine miles the other day! I used to say that I got a runner’s low: I felt nauseous and depressed after a run.
What I’ve found is that this process has been tremendously helpful and healing for me. As someone who sometimes experiences anxiety, I’ve found running to be the most helpful thing I’ve ever done to support my body in an anxious season. When we’re anxious, our bodies release adrenaline. This is a gift to us. The role of adrenaline is to give our body the extra resources it needs in a crisis to save our lives. But what if there’s no bear? If someone rings my doorbell and my dog loses it, my body thinks that we are in the midst of a crisis. If I have a conversation with a friend and get in my head about it later: crisis. Adrenaline is not actually helpful in either of those situations (it just makes me cranky with the missionaries at my door). I’ve found that running helps my body use up those extra, unnecessary resources. So, my overall anxiety has been lower and I’ve been sleeping better.
I’ve also grown quite fond of my body. I know that sounds weird, but it’s true. She’s worked hard and she’s shown up for me. And she can do SO much more than I ever realized. She’s strong and healthy. She’s slow, but steady and has amazing endurance. She’s resilient and I’m really proud of her.
Guys. I haven’t lost one pound. Truly. The scale has the same number as it did months ago. My body has changed some because I’ve gained some muscle. Maybe my clothes fit a little differently, but it’s not been drastic. Even though the amount of running has been drastic! I did not sign up for this for weight loss. It wasn’t about that. And it is a little confusing and weird that I haven’t lost weight. But I’m not angry at my body for that. As a matter of fact, I feel more comfortable in my own skin than I can remember feeling. I feel great about my body right now. Not because I’ve reached a goal weight or I’m suddenly the right size, but because she’s on my team. She’s a hard worker and is GOOD. She is healthy. She is strong. I actually love her. She carries so much for me and I ask so much of her and she keeps showing up. She is beautiful. Every curve and line of her. And I am just so grateful for her.
Did you know that we live most of our lives pretty disconnected from our bodies? Andy Stanley said we are least aware of what is most present. There are few things as present in our lives as our bodies. When was the last time you noticed your left ear? Or your right big toe? Unless something’s wrong or we’re experiencing pain, we tend to live pretty unaware of our bodies unless we are doing something very physical with them. Running has helped me reconnect with my body in some helpful and important ways and I’ve learned to listen to her and trust her.
On this idea of disconnection, Hillary McBride challenges us to use pronouns when we talk about our body. Did you even realize that you most often describe your body as it? I bet you noticed I used she and her and it felt a little weird. Honestly, it feels a little weird for me, too. But I’m trying to think of my body as less of an object and more of a person. I’d love to challenge you to try this. I just went back and read what I’d written and noticed that early on, I actually called my body “it.” So, I’m still working on this. But you see that when I start to talk about how I relate to my body, the pronouns came.
I was afraid to talk about the half marathon early on in my training because I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to do it. The race is next week and this thing is happening! I’m actually really excited about it! So, next Saturday, while you’re enjoying your coffee and pancakes, pray for me (and my sweet husband, he’s running with me)! Or better yet, come on up to Raccoon Mountain and cheer us on!
