My husband and I made the decision early on that we would save sex for marriage. One night, when we were engaged, we were discussing whether or not to spend some time on our wedding registry. After going back and forth for several minutes, I finally said, “Let’s just do it!” He jokingly said, “I thought we were waiting, but ok then!” I rolled my eyes at him and told him to get his mind out of the gutter. His face softened as he looked at me and said, “That’s not the gutter. That’s a part of our marriage I’m really excited about.” I still tear up when I remember that moment. Until that moment, I wasn’t even aware that I viewed sex as “the gutter.”
When we were engaged, we took a premarital class through the church we were attending at the time. We covered conflict and finances and having a vision for your marriage. There was a great deal of good content in that class. One night we talked about sex. You could tell that everyone was nervous and a little extra giggly as we came in that evening. Within a few minutes of the start of the video, however, it became clear that the topic that night was not about sex, but about abstinence. In a premarital class. Now, I firmly believe that the safest and best context for sex is within marriage. But at some point the conversation needs to change. We need to stop focusing in abstinence and start focusing on healthy sexuality.
I signed my “True Love Waits” card in high school. I read “I Kissed Dating Goodbye” and “When God Writes Your Love Story” and “Passion and Purity.” The consistent message was “DON’T.” Don’t have sex, don’t get too handsy, don’t kiss for too long, actually, you should probably just wait until marriage to kiss so you don’t accidentally have sex.
Here’s the problem with this approach to sexuality: I often sit with grieving brides. At the most basic level, the way we talk about virginity as something we lose and don’t get back, sets a bride up for grieving on her wedding night if that’s her first time having sex. She feels loss. I know that, to some of you, that seems wrong, but when exactly was she supposed to flip that switch? She’s been taught her whole life that virginity is something she has to protect, lest she lose it. That’s so ingrained in her belief system, how else is she supposed to feel about it? ( I realize this can be a struggle for men, too, though I do not see it as often. The conversation we have with boys/men often is so different than with women. But that’s a post for another day.)
This isn’t the only cause for grief, though. Often, sex did not go the way she expected it to. The message was that, if you wait, it’s worth it. Sex will be magical. But it is rare that our first experience is magical in the way that we expect. Because we don’t do a great job of discussing healthy sexuality, most of us learn about what sex should be like in the movies. It’s always hot, steamy, passionate, clean and sexy! But if that’s the expectation, because no one is talking about sex, we are all set up for disappointment. The first time is typically a little awkward, a little messy, a little uncomfortable (or a lot uncomfortable.) That’s the magic of it. You’re in it together. You’re figuring it out. Even if one, or both of you, has had sex before and this is your first time together. It’s new and different. And this is just day one. There’s time.
Did you know that, when we are stressed, we tense our muscles? You probably are aware of this if you carry tension in your shoulders or back. What you may not realize is that we often carry tension in our pelvic floor, especially if we have anxiety around sex. If all of those muscles tighten down, that makes sex more painful and harder to do. Which makes us anxious, which leads to tension. See how that can escalate? And if the message your whole life has been “don’t” and you’ve fought to avoid having sex, it can be scary to try to suddenly be ok with it.
I have had many conversations with newlyweds about how sex just didn’t happen on the honeymoon. This has produced a lot of grieving brides. They are quick to believe that there’s something wrong with them, that they are a failure. It’s actually quite common for sex to be challenging on the honeymoon, particularly if one or both are virgins. But the message has been: if you just wait until marriage, it will be magical. So couples are blindsided when things don’t go quite the way they expect.
So, what am I saying here? I’m saying let’s change our language. Let’s broaden the conversation. Let’s talk about the importance of sex. Let’s talk about sex at all! Not just abstinence. Because the current message is: Don’t do it because it’s wrong. Do you remember being a teenager? Maybe you were the “good” kid who only needed that. But maybe you were the kid that wanted to test the limits and often dismissed the rules if you didn’t understand them (or maybe simply because it was a rule.) What kind of kid do you have?
Let’s talk to our kids about consent. Let’s talk to them about about their bodies and how they work. Let’s answer their questions. I realize this is uncomfortable, but that’s mostly because of the messages we received about sex when we were growing up! Let’s not pass that on to our kids as well. Acknowledge the discomfort and press on. It gets easier!
I’ll be honest, I had sex as a teenager. I did. That’s part of my story and it was a source of shame for me for a long time. Mainly because I believed it was wrong to have sex before marriage. But do you see? My morals were not enough to keep me from having sex. Honestly, I don’t know that this is something my parents could have controlled for me. They set healthy boundaries for me. But I made a choice to have sex. It was my choice. As parents, we want desperately to protect them. But we cannot control them.
I’m saying that the best chance we have of protecting them is to have open conversations with them about sex. About why it’s important. About the risks involved. About how to know if they feel safe with someone. About what signs to look for that they’re not ready yet. Because the reality is that they might have sex. Even with all the talking or rules or threats. It might still happen. Because we cannot control teenagers and young adults. But don’t you want to know about it? Don’t you want to be able to check on them and know if they’re ok?
In an ideal world, I would love for my son’s first sexual experience to be on his wedding night. I’d love for him to have the experience of awkward sex with the knowledge that they have their marriage to keep working at it and figuring it out together. The reality is, I don’t get to decide that, he does. Don’t get me wrong, I’m already scheming ways that we can make our house the place everyone wants to come on prom night. I will set boundaries for him and try to help him understand the importance of sex and why God’s desire is for it to happen in the context of marriage: because He loves us and that sets us up for our best chance at safety. But I refuse to shame him when it comes to sex because I see the impact that has on people and on marriages. I want him to see sex as a positive thing, not wrong and bad. I just want him to understand that it is important. It’s a big decision that he should not take lightly. It is not something he should allow himself to be pressured into and certainly should never pressure someone else into.
I would love for his wedding night to be a celebration, not a time for grief, no matter what his story is. And I want that for his bride, too. And so, even now, at four years old, we are beginning the have conversations with him. But that’s a post for another day…
