“I miss JuJu and Poppaw.”
I could see his big blue eyes brimming with tears and my heart just broke for him. It’s Tuesday. He knows it’s the day that he stays with my in-laws while his dad and I are both working. He’s feeling what we’re all experiencing on some level right now: grief.
Big or small, we have all experienced numerous losses with this quarantine. We’ve lost people, jobs, social interaction, freedom, options, routine, security, and a thousand other things that we’re discovering along the way. Our kids are feeling those losses, too. But they really don’t have the language or the self-awareness to bring it up to us. So, this is how I brought it up for him.
“Oh, buddy, this quarantine has taken a lot away from all of us. What has it taken away from you?” He spent some time naming grandparents and restaurants, playgrounds and friends. My little extrovert is missing his people! As he named those losses, the tears began to flow. Then I asked how he was feeling about those losses. “Sad!”
And we sat with that sadness for a few minutes. He cried and I snuggled him close. I let him cry as much as he needed to because his sadness is right. Just like your sadness is right. This is hard.
Once he stopped crying I said, “You know, this quarantine has given us some things, too! More time together. Daddy’s home more. What about you? What has quarantine given you?” He talked about playing outside more and throwing frisbee with Daddy. He has gotten to play his Yoshi game more. More time for snuggles.
“And how does that feel?”
“That feels happy!”
We talked about how weird it is that the same thing can make us happy and make us sad. Then we talked about all the other feelings we are feeling right now because of quarantine (frustration, anger, disappointment, etc.)
Listen, his mom is a therapist. So he has had lots and lots of practice talking about his feelings, but you don’t have to be a therapist to help your kid process all of this.
Practice on yourself! What are some of the losses you’ve experienced in this crazy season? Can you give yourself a minute to sit with that. Don’t try to fix it or talk yourself out of it. Just feel it. It’s painful. But it will not consume you. What are some of the gains? Can you give yourself a minute to feel that, too? Because most of us have experienced both! And it’s complicated, because often we allow one to overshadow the other, or use one to dismiss the other. A hard season makes it harder to acknowledge the good. A good season makes us feel like we shouldn’t feel bad. But usually, there’s both happening at the same time.
The other complicating factor is comparison. Other people have it so much worse, what do I have to be sad about? Noah isn’t having to figure out how to work from home, pay bills or get groceries. But his four year old heart is missing his people, his routine. And that is valid! Do some people have it harder than him? Yes, but he has the gift of not knowing that. He gets to just feel about what he’s experiencing. What if we allowed ourselves the opportunity to do that too? Regardless of what someone else is experiencing, you are experiencing your hard right now. You’re allowed to feel it.
After you’ve given yourself some space to explore this for yourself, have that conversation with your kids in a way that fits your own voice. Here are the things to keep in mind.
1) Acknowledge the losses. Help them name some of the emotions related to those losses. Talk about what’s challenging. Give them a little space to feel it. If tears come, give them room for tears. If frustration comes, give room for it. Give them a minute to yell if they need to and not get in trouble for it. This does not give them license to be unkind to anyone, but a verbal outlet for their feelings.
2) Don’t rush to fix how they’re feeling. It’s not broken.
3) Acknowledge the gains. What’s been good? What’s been positive? How are you feeling about those things? Give space for that. Because we tend to receive emotions related to good things better than the ones related to hard things, there may not be as much need for outward expression because it feels safe to express happy on an ongoing basis. But it’s still so important to acknowledge it and sit with it for a minute.
4) What’s it like for both to be present? Happy and sad, both together. Talk about that tension. It’s weird. That’s the word I’m hearing most often as people process this. It’s a weird season. We don’t have great ways to talk about things that are both!
5) Let this be the first of many conversations. Check in every few days. “Noticed any other losses or gains?” “How are things feeling this week? What’s the strongest thing you’re feeling? What else is there, too?”
If talking about feelings with kids is a newer experience (as it is to many, many parents), try pulling up a list of feeling words to help you and them find the language. Another great resource is this children’s book. I love it because it talks about a number of different emotions and has great descriptive language for the experience of each one.*
If you are a Christian and want faith to be part of the conversation, you might talk about bringing our grief to God and also our gratitude. We can acknowledge our grief when we’re sad and hurting and He cares for us and comforts us. He also celebrates with us over the things for which we are grateful.
I hope this his helpful. I hope this gives you ideas on how to start a conversation and make it your own to help kids acknowledge all that is happening in their internal worlds. I’d love to hear your ideas as well! Let me know in the comments, here or on social media, how you’re talking with your kids about this weird time in which we’re living.
*Note: I am not affiliated with Amazon or with the author of the linked book.
