Practice self-compassion

Do you even remember that 2020 started with a US drone killing an Iranian general followed by some scary days of not knowing what type of fallout might come from that? Soon after, the impeachment hearing began. At the end of January, Kobe Bryant was killed in a helicopter accident. And all this time Australia was burning.

Coronavirus talk began in late January and early February but it wasn’t until March that things really hit home here. That’s when the safer at home edict was issued in Tennessee and it felt like the world shut down around us. Things have not been the same since. We started re-opening and there has been a lot of controversy around that. Masks have been mandated in parts of the country and there is more controversy around that. Shortly have quarantine began, my hometown faced a natural disaster. In the midst of all this came the killings of Ahmaud Arbery, Breonna Taylor and George Floyd followed by protests, demonstrations and civil unrest. And weren’t there murder hornets? Can we get an update on the murder hornets??

Listen: you’re anxious. I’m not diagnosing you, but it’s true. You are. Because these broad scale events are impacting all of us! But then you add on your specific challenges and circumstances and things really spike. Maybe you’re trying to figure out what you’ll do with your kids if schools don’t open in the fall. Maybe your work hours have been cut or maybe they’ve increased. Maybe you’re trying to keep your business afloat. Maybe you miss going to Target! Everyone’s anxiety level is riding higher than usual.

Why am I telling you this? The less aware we are of our anxiety, the more likely that we are coping in ways that are problematic. Is your fuse short and you find yourself yelling at your family more? Are you drinking more than you used to? Are you over or under eating and dealing with the health issues/shame that come as a result? Are you being domineering and trying to control all the people in your life? Are you struggling to find motivation or energy to do much of anything at all? All of these are signs of anxiety.

Look, I’m not trying to shame you. As a matter of fact, I’d point you toward the opposite. I think what you need is a good dose of self-compassion. Because your anxiety tells me that you feel overwhelmed and unsafe in the world. How would you respond if a friend or your child came to you and told you they were feeling overwhelmed and unsafe? On a good, healthy day, you’d respond with compassion. Can you offer that to yourself?

To talk about the practicalities of this, I’m going to tell you about my favorite part of a yoga class. Nearly every class I’ve ever taken has had a point in which the instructor says something along these lines: “Ok, I want you to take a minute and check in with your body. What do you need? Do you need another flow? Maybe a child’s pose? Maybe you need to play around with some inversion practice? Whatever it is, I want you to take a few minutes and offer that to yourself.”

Friends, there is so much compassion and self-care in that! What do I need? Now, I’m going to offer that to myself. The reality is that sometimes we need a big ass kale salad and sometimes a chocolate milkshake (endorphins!). Sometimes we need a run and others we need a nap. Some days we need a punching and some days a hug.

I bet you’re being hard on yourself these days. I know I am. I feel guilty because my son is in front of a screen more than I prefer. And that can sometimes trickle down to my people. I’m shorter with him than I would normally be. And then I’m beating myself up about that. You can see how this can spiral. So, what if, instead of being hard on myself, I offered compassion instead. What do I need? Can I offer that to myself today/this week? That might start to trickle down, too.

So, can we try this? When we notice those signs that tell us that we’re anxious, overwhelmed, feel unsafe, can we acknowledge what’s really happening and ask ourselves what we might need to feel a little better? You’ll find that acknowledging what is underneath it all provides some relief all on it’s own. But then take the extra step and figure out what you need and how you might offer that to yourself. Give it a try and let me know how it goes!

On Privilege and Bias

This is a risk. I want to talk about what is happening in our country right now and I am at risk of saying something stupid, insensitive, wrong. But I would so much rather take that risk and learn from my mistakes than be silent.

Ahmaud Arbery, George Floyd, Breonna Taylor…these are just the names from the last few weeks. They are not the same story. All had different lives, different deaths, different stories. But all point to a sickness, a rot, deep in the system, that must be addressed.

We can be quick to get defensive when someone wants to talk to us about privilege. It feels like any acknowledgement of privilege is a claim that we didn’t have to work hard for where we got. That somehow we had it easy. The problem is, when we deny the existence of something, we lose control over it. If we have decided to pretend it’s not happening, look the other way, it can’t be addressed.

Because of this, it is VITAL that we be willing to take some time to look at, be aware, of our privilege. I’ll tell you a little about mine to get us started.

When I go into a store, I am never viewed suspiciously. I can walk to the bandaid aisle and pick some out that match my skin tone and aren’t noticeable. If I get pulled over for speeding, I’m not concerned this interaction could escalate and get away from me. I will teach my son to be kind and respectful, but I don’t have to worry that his life depends on his ability to do so. Honestly, as I start this list, I get overwhelmed. These privileges relate to my gender, my skin tone and they barely scrape the surface. We haven’t even touched on socioeconomic privilege. There are few groups of people with more privilege than I have as a middle class, white, American woman. If I can be aware of it, acknowledge it, then I can keep it in check. Then I can find ways to empower others. But here’s an important piece, I want to always be learning. I don’t want to hold the belief that I’m “woke” or “evolved” and know all about my privilege. I want to be able to recognize, with humility, that I have blind spots. We all do.

The other thing that is vitally important that we take a look at is our bias. Brace yourself, because this might be uncomfortable. We all have biases. And just like privilege, the more aware of them we can be, the more likely we are to keep them in check. Saying that we don’t see color is a denial of these biases and much more likely to lead us into hurting people, being reactive, or maintaining a broken system.

Have you ever been sitting in your car and seen someone walking up the sidewalk and reached over to punch the lock button? That was not the wrong thing to do. I’m not here to critique attempts at being safe. But, it could be evidence of bias. Something about that person led to you feeling uncomfortable, unsafe. Maybe it was their gender, maybe it was their skin color, maybe it was something in their demeanor. Maybe it was something in you. Locking the door is fine, but let’s also take a second and notice what’s happening. What prompted that action? Having bias doesn’t make you the bad guy here, it’s just so important to be aware of it. That is what allows you to keep it in check.

Imagine later you see this same person being harassed by a store owner. Ignoring your bias from earlier, might lead you to assume that it’s justified. It might lead you to be silent. Being aware of your own bias, however, might lead you to being aware of the potential bias of others. Maybe you could ask some questions, seek to understand the situation and what’s happening.

Being aware of your privilege and bias, really looking at it, is a way to begin to make things shift. You can keep these things in check in yourself and challenge them in others.

One of the hardest things about this week was feeling helpless. I have dear friends who are people of color and I’m grieving with them and angry on their behalf. I do not believe that riots are the solution, but I do understand the sentiment. And I believe that Jesus flipping tables in the temple might get it, too.