Practice self-compassion

Do you even remember that 2020 started with a US drone killing an Iranian general followed by some scary days of not knowing what type of fallout might come from that? Soon after, the impeachment hearing began. At the end of January, Kobe Bryant was killed in a helicopter accident. And all this time Australia was burning.

Coronavirus talk began in late January and early February but it wasn’t until March that things really hit home here. That’s when the safer at home edict was issued in Tennessee and it felt like the world shut down around us. Things have not been the same since. We started re-opening and there has been a lot of controversy around that. Masks have been mandated in parts of the country and there is more controversy around that. Shortly have quarantine began, my hometown faced a natural disaster. In the midst of all this came the killings of Ahmaud Arbery, Breonna Taylor and George Floyd followed by protests, demonstrations and civil unrest. And weren’t there murder hornets? Can we get an update on the murder hornets??

Listen: you’re anxious. I’m not diagnosing you, but it’s true. You are. Because these broad scale events are impacting all of us! But then you add on your specific challenges and circumstances and things really spike. Maybe you’re trying to figure out what you’ll do with your kids if schools don’t open in the fall. Maybe your work hours have been cut or maybe they’ve increased. Maybe you’re trying to keep your business afloat. Maybe you miss going to Target! Everyone’s anxiety level is riding higher than usual.

Why am I telling you this? The less aware we are of our anxiety, the more likely that we are coping in ways that are problematic. Is your fuse short and you find yourself yelling at your family more? Are you drinking more than you used to? Are you over or under eating and dealing with the health issues/shame that come as a result? Are you being domineering and trying to control all the people in your life? Are you struggling to find motivation or energy to do much of anything at all? All of these are signs of anxiety.

Look, I’m not trying to shame you. As a matter of fact, I’d point you toward the opposite. I think what you need is a good dose of self-compassion. Because your anxiety tells me that you feel overwhelmed and unsafe in the world. How would you respond if a friend or your child came to you and told you they were feeling overwhelmed and unsafe? On a good, healthy day, you’d respond with compassion. Can you offer that to yourself?

To talk about the practicalities of this, I’m going to tell you about my favorite part of a yoga class. Nearly every class I’ve ever taken has had a point in which the instructor says something along these lines: “Ok, I want you to take a minute and check in with your body. What do you need? Do you need another flow? Maybe a child’s pose? Maybe you need to play around with some inversion practice? Whatever it is, I want you to take a few minutes and offer that to yourself.”

Friends, there is so much compassion and self-care in that! What do I need? Now, I’m going to offer that to myself. The reality is that sometimes we need a big ass kale salad and sometimes a chocolate milkshake (endorphins!). Sometimes we need a run and others we need a nap. Some days we need a punching and some days a hug.

I bet you’re being hard on yourself these days. I know I am. I feel guilty because my son is in front of a screen more than I prefer. And that can sometimes trickle down to my people. I’m shorter with him than I would normally be. And then I’m beating myself up about that. You can see how this can spiral. So, what if, instead of being hard on myself, I offered compassion instead. What do I need? Can I offer that to myself today/this week? That might start to trickle down, too.

So, can we try this? When we notice those signs that tell us that we’re anxious, overwhelmed, feel unsafe, can we acknowledge what’s really happening and ask ourselves what we might need to feel a little better? You’ll find that acknowledging what is underneath it all provides some relief all on it’s own. But then take the extra step and figure out what you need and how you might offer that to yourself. Give it a try and let me know how it goes!

The Pull of a Trigger and Push of a Button

Things have gotten pretty messy out there. Emotions are running high and there are a lot of LOUD VOICES in my social media feeds telling me that I just can’t keep everyone happy. And why exactly are things so messy? Because of a trigger and a button.

First, let’s understand a little bit about trauma. The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5) defines trauma for the purpose of diagnosis. Brainline.org summarizes it this way: The person was exposed to: death, threatened death, actual or threatened serious injury, or actual or threatened sexual violence, in the following way(s):

• Direct exposure

• Witnessing the trauma

• Learning that a relative or close friend was exposed to a trauma

• Indirect exposure to aversive details of the trauma, usually in the course of professional duties (e.g., first responders, medics)

It is a requirement that this criteria, as well as a list of others, be met in order to diagnose someone with PTSD. However, many of us have symptoms of PTSD while not necessarily meeting all the criteria for diagnosis. So if we think about the above definition as (T)rauma with a capital T, most of us have experienced trauma on some level. A way to think about trauma, apart from a DSM-5 diagnosis, is a general sense of feeling unsafe in your world. This might come from one specific acute event or it may come from repeated patterns of experience that leave you feeling unsafe (often labeled complex trauma).

Here’s why I’m bringing this up. Our friends, neighbors, co-workers, etc. who are people of color have likely experienced trauma, Trauma and more TRAUMA. Now, I get that they are not alone in this, skin color does not protect us from trauma and I am not trying to dismiss or minimize your experiences. I’m highlighting this in communities of color because trauma is pervasive there. Most, maybe even all, have had experiences of being discriminated against, treated suspiciously, harassed, threatened, etc. because of the color of their skin. Not only that, but they have been exposed to countless stories of trauma from people they care about.

Our brains and bodies are amazing. They are wired to keep us safe. One of the ways they do that is by storing up all kinds of information when we are traumatized (time of year, tone of voice, smells, sights, sounds, colors, etc.) in order to warn us if we re-experience any of those things in the future. This is called a “trigger” and it sends our bodies into fight or flight (if there’s a history of Trauma, this can sometimes mean that both fight and flight feel so unsafe that they freeze instead.)

Ahmaud Arbery, Breonna Taylor and George Floyd were all triggers for many people in the black community. Those stories were horrifying all on their own, but also brought with them a tide of memories of all their own experiences of hate, pain and discrimination. So we have a community of people who are triggered and grieving. Grieving these senseless deaths and remembering, and possibly re-experiencing their own traumatic experiences. It makes sense that emotions are running high. Not only are they grieving the losses of these people, but also the fact that they have to be scared when their children leave the house, when their kids leave the house. Parents have to have conversations with their young children, particularly boys, about how to respond if they are confronted. And while, yes, we will teach Noah to be kind and courteous, especially when confronted by authority, his life is not dependent on his ability to do so.

But that’s just one side of the coin here.

Come close, white friends. We need to talk.

Now stop for a second. What was your internal response to that? Did you get a little angry? Do you feel a little defensive? Pay attention to that.

As I’ve been having conversations with loved ones who are people of color, I’ve heard some repeated things. One big one is that, when they share with white friends and family about their experiences, it tends to not be received well. “I’m sure that’s not what they meant?” “Do you think maybe you have a chip on your shoulder?” “Is it possible you misunderstood or are jumping to conclusions?” “Is that really how it happened?”

It gets even messier when they try to share with someone that something that was said or done was hurtful or offensive. “I don’t have a racist bone in my body!” “I didn’t mean anything by it!” “Boy, you’re super sensitive!” These are the tame responses.

Here’s what I think is happening. Our shame button is getting pushed. And shame tends to lead to defensiveness. One way to recognize shame is when our brain makes big leaps in our conclusions. Someone tries to share with us that we said something that hurt them and in our mind we jump to them thinking we are kneeling on a black man’s neck. And we just can’t let them think we are in the same category, so we push back.

Now, all of this happens so fast that we aren’t really aware of it. It’s not that we are making conscious decisions to do this. But the way to know that it’s happening is to recognize that our first inclination is to disagree with something being said. This is a sign of defensiveness and defensiveness points to shame.

I think that the vast majority of us are good people. Maybe that’s naive of me, but it helps me survive in the world to believe that. I think that most of us good people work hard not to hurt people. I also think that 100% of us do actually hurt people along the way and, most often, that hurt is unintentional. Because it was unintentional, we are often unaware of the pain we cause unless the person we hurt has the courage to come to us and let us know. The hurt party may or may not understand that the hurt was unintentional. Because hurt, as a primary emotion, is a vulnerable thing to express, often when hurt we move into our secondary (stronger, more active) emotions to feel a little more safe and strong. Protected hurt often looks like anger. Do you see how this could get messy fast? If the hurt is unintentional, and someone comes to confront us and they are angry, we are very likely to quickly move toward shame (because they seem to be assuming the worst about us) and get defensive. Our defensiveness means that their very real hurt has now come into question and that is never ever helpful.

White friends, I realize that most of you would never ever consider gunning down a man who was out for a jog. Because of shame, when our bias or insensitivity is pointed out, we often jump to thinking that we are being placed in the same category as someone who would gun down an innocent man: a racist. And we can’t be that! So, we unintentionally invalidate the feelings and experiences of others because we don’t want to accept that racism still exists, especially in us. But what if racism is a spectrum? What if 100% (of all skin colors and ethnicities) of us are bias, which is a sign of racism, but that doesn’t have to put us in the category with white supremacists? Could your tolerance for hearing that you blew it increase a little?

I want to be very clear that I’m not making excuses for anyone here. That’s not what this is. What I want you to understand is that people of color are triggered and grieving. And right now, that might look like anger and fight. And it can be hard to move toward someone who comes out swinging, but try to do it anyway. You’ll find that, when someone is triggered, and someone close to them is able to stay calm and grounded, that helps deescalate things. I also want you to be aware of when your shame button gets pushed. Is your initial response to tell someone they are wrong about what happened? Your shame button was pushed. Even if they are telling you about something that happened to them that has nothing to do with you. We do not want to believe that racism exists because we don’t want to believe that we are capable of it. That’s not helpful. But if you can be aware of your shame, you can keep it from running the conversation.

As you can see, with the pull of a trigger and the push of a button, all hell breaks loose.

On Privilege and Bias

This is a risk. I want to talk about what is happening in our country right now and I am at risk of saying something stupid, insensitive, wrong. But I would so much rather take that risk and learn from my mistakes than be silent.

Ahmaud Arbery, George Floyd, Breonna Taylor…these are just the names from the last few weeks. They are not the same story. All had different lives, different deaths, different stories. But all point to a sickness, a rot, deep in the system, that must be addressed.

We can be quick to get defensive when someone wants to talk to us about privilege. It feels like any acknowledgement of privilege is a claim that we didn’t have to work hard for where we got. That somehow we had it easy. The problem is, when we deny the existence of something, we lose control over it. If we have decided to pretend it’s not happening, look the other way, it can’t be addressed.

Because of this, it is VITAL that we be willing to take some time to look at, be aware, of our privilege. I’ll tell you a little about mine to get us started.

When I go into a store, I am never viewed suspiciously. I can walk to the bandaid aisle and pick some out that match my skin tone and aren’t noticeable. If I get pulled over for speeding, I’m not concerned this interaction could escalate and get away from me. I will teach my son to be kind and respectful, but I don’t have to worry that his life depends on his ability to do so. Honestly, as I start this list, I get overwhelmed. These privileges relate to my gender, my skin tone and they barely scrape the surface. We haven’t even touched on socioeconomic privilege. There are few groups of people with more privilege than I have as a middle class, white, American woman. If I can be aware of it, acknowledge it, then I can keep it in check. Then I can find ways to empower others. But here’s an important piece, I want to always be learning. I don’t want to hold the belief that I’m “woke” or “evolved” and know all about my privilege. I want to be able to recognize, with humility, that I have blind spots. We all do.

The other thing that is vitally important that we take a look at is our bias. Brace yourself, because this might be uncomfortable. We all have biases. And just like privilege, the more aware of them we can be, the more likely we are to keep them in check. Saying that we don’t see color is a denial of these biases and much more likely to lead us into hurting people, being reactive, or maintaining a broken system.

Have you ever been sitting in your car and seen someone walking up the sidewalk and reached over to punch the lock button? That was not the wrong thing to do. I’m not here to critique attempts at being safe. But, it could be evidence of bias. Something about that person led to you feeling uncomfortable, unsafe. Maybe it was their gender, maybe it was their skin color, maybe it was something in their demeanor. Maybe it was something in you. Locking the door is fine, but let’s also take a second and notice what’s happening. What prompted that action? Having bias doesn’t make you the bad guy here, it’s just so important to be aware of it. That is what allows you to keep it in check.

Imagine later you see this same person being harassed by a store owner. Ignoring your bias from earlier, might lead you to assume that it’s justified. It might lead you to be silent. Being aware of your own bias, however, might lead you to being aware of the potential bias of others. Maybe you could ask some questions, seek to understand the situation and what’s happening.

Being aware of your privilege and bias, really looking at it, is a way to begin to make things shift. You can keep these things in check in yourself and challenge them in others.

One of the hardest things about this week was feeling helpless. I have dear friends who are people of color and I’m grieving with them and angry on their behalf. I do not believe that riots are the solution, but I do understand the sentiment. And I believe that Jesus flipping tables in the temple might get it, too.

Grieving Brides

My husband and I made the decision early on that we would save sex for marriage. One night, when we were engaged, we were discussing whether or not to spend some time on our wedding registry. After going back and forth for several minutes, I finally said, “Let’s just do it!” He jokingly said, “I thought we were waiting, but ok then!” I rolled my eyes at him and told him to get his mind out of the gutter. His face softened as he looked at me and said, “That’s not the gutter. That’s a part of our marriage I’m really excited about.” I still tear up when I remember that moment. Until that moment, I wasn’t even aware that I viewed sex as “the gutter.”

When we were engaged, we took a premarital class through the church we were attending at the time. We covered conflict and finances and having a vision for your marriage. There was a great deal of good content in that class. One night we talked about sex. You could tell that everyone was nervous and a little extra giggly as we came in that evening. Within a few minutes of the start of the video, however, it became clear that the topic that night was not about sex, but about abstinence. In a premarital class. Now, I firmly believe that the safest and best context for sex is within marriage. But at some point the conversation needs to change. We need to stop focusing in abstinence and start focusing on healthy sexuality.

I signed my “True Love Waits” card in high school. I read “I Kissed Dating Goodbye” and “When God Writes Your Love Story” and “Passion and Purity.” The consistent message was “DON’T.” Don’t have sex, don’t get too handsy, don’t kiss for too long, actually, you should probably just wait until marriage to kiss so you don’t accidentally have sex.

Here’s the problem with this approach to sexuality: I often sit with grieving brides. At the most basic level, the way we talk about virginity as something we lose and don’t get back, sets a bride up for grieving on her wedding night if that’s her first time having sex. She feels loss. I know that, to some of you, that seems wrong, but when exactly was she supposed to flip that switch? She’s been taught her whole life that virginity is something she has to protect, lest she lose it. That’s so ingrained in her belief system, how else is she supposed to feel about it? ( I realize this can be a struggle for men, too, though I do not see it as often. The conversation we have with boys/men often is so different than with women. But that’s a post for another day.)

This isn’t the only cause for grief, though. Often, sex did not go the way she expected it to. The message was that, if you wait, it’s worth it. Sex will be magical. But it is rare that our first experience is magical in the way that we expect. Because we don’t do a great job of discussing healthy sexuality, most of us learn about what sex should be like in the movies. It’s always hot, steamy, passionate, clean and sexy! But if that’s the expectation, because no one is talking about sex, we are all set up for disappointment. The first time is typically a little awkward, a little messy, a little uncomfortable (or a lot uncomfortable.) That’s the magic of it. You’re in it together. You’re figuring it out. Even if one, or both of you, has had sex before and this is your first time together. It’s new and different. And this is just day one. There’s time.

Did you know that, when we are stressed, we tense our muscles? You probably are aware of this if you carry tension in your shoulders or back. What you may not realize is that we often carry tension in our pelvic floor, especially if we have anxiety around sex. If all of those muscles tighten down, that makes sex more painful and harder to do. Which makes us anxious, which leads to tension. See how that can escalate? And if the message your whole life has been “don’t” and you’ve fought to avoid having sex, it can be scary to try to suddenly be ok with it.

I have had many conversations with newlyweds about how sex just didn’t happen on the honeymoon. This has produced a lot of grieving brides. They are quick to believe that there’s something wrong with them, that they are a failure. It’s actually quite common for sex to be challenging on the honeymoon, particularly if one or both are virgins. But the message has been: if you just wait until marriage, it will be magical. So couples are blindsided when things don’t go quite the way they expect.

So, what am I saying here? I’m saying let’s change our language. Let’s broaden the conversation. Let’s talk about the importance of sex. Let’s talk about sex at all! Not just abstinence. Because the current message is: Don’t do it because it’s wrong. Do you remember being a teenager? Maybe you were the “good” kid who only needed that. But maybe you were the kid that wanted to test the limits and often dismissed the rules if you didn’t understand them (or maybe simply because it was a rule.) What kind of kid do you have?

Let’s talk to our kids about consent. Let’s talk to them about about their bodies and how they work. Let’s answer their questions. I realize this is uncomfortable, but that’s mostly because of the messages we received about sex when we were growing up! Let’s not pass that on to our kids as well. Acknowledge the discomfort and press on. It gets easier!

I’ll be honest, I had sex as a teenager. I did. That’s part of my story and it was a source of shame for me for a long time. Mainly because I believed it was wrong to have sex before marriage. But do you see? My morals were not enough to keep me from having sex. Honestly, I don’t know that this is something my parents could have controlled for me. They set healthy boundaries for me. But I made a choice to have sex. It was my choice. As parents, we want desperately to protect them. But we cannot control them.

I’m saying that the best chance we have of protecting them is to have open conversations with them about sex. About why it’s important. About the risks involved. About how to know if they feel safe with someone. About what signs to look for that they’re not ready yet. Because the reality is that they might have sex. Even with all the talking or rules or threats. It might still happen. Because we cannot control teenagers and young adults. But don’t you want to know about it? Don’t you want to be able to check on them and know if they’re ok?

In an ideal world, I would love for my son’s first sexual experience to be on his wedding night. I’d love for him to have the experience of awkward sex with the knowledge that they have their marriage to keep working at it and figuring it out together. The reality is, I don’t get to decide that, he does. Don’t get me wrong, I’m already scheming ways that we can make our house the place everyone wants to come on prom night. I will set boundaries for him and try to help him understand the importance of sex and why God’s desire is for it to happen in the context of marriage: because He loves us and that sets us up for our best chance at safety. But I refuse to shame him when it comes to sex because I see the impact that has on people and on marriages. I want him to see sex as a positive thing, not wrong and bad. I just want him to understand that it is important. It’s a big decision that he should not take lightly. It is not something he should allow himself to be pressured into and certainly should never pressure someone else into.

I would love for his wedding night to be a celebration, not a time for grief, no matter what his story is. And I want that for his bride, too. And so, even now, at four years old, we are beginning the have conversations with him. But that’s a post for another day…

Helping Kids Process Quarantine

“I miss JuJu and Poppaw.”

I could see his big blue eyes brimming with tears and my heart just broke for him. It’s Tuesday. He knows it’s the day that he stays with my in-laws while his dad and I are both working. He’s feeling what we’re all experiencing on some level right now: grief.

Big or small, we have all experienced numerous losses with this quarantine. We’ve lost people, jobs, social interaction, freedom, options, routine, security, and a thousand other things that we’re discovering along the way. Our kids are feeling those losses, too. But they really don’t have the language or the self-awareness to bring it up to us. So, this is how I brought it up for him.

“Oh, buddy, this quarantine has taken a lot away from all of us. What has it taken away from you?” He spent some time naming grandparents and restaurants, playgrounds and friends. My little extrovert is missing his people! As he named those losses, the tears began to flow. Then I asked how he was feeling about those losses. “Sad!”

And we sat with that sadness for a few minutes. He cried and I snuggled him close. I let him cry as much as he needed to because his sadness is right. Just like your sadness is right. This is hard.

Once he stopped crying I said, “You know, this quarantine has given us some things, too! More time together. Daddy’s home more. What about you? What has quarantine given you?” He talked about playing outside more and throwing frisbee with Daddy. He has gotten to play his Yoshi game more. More time for snuggles.

“And how does that feel?”

“That feels happy!”

We talked about how weird it is that the same thing can make us happy and make us sad. Then we talked about all the other feelings we are feeling right now because of quarantine (frustration, anger, disappointment, etc.)

Listen, his mom is a therapist. So he has had lots and lots of practice talking about his feelings, but you don’t have to be a therapist to help your kid process all of this.

Practice on yourself! What are some of the losses you’ve experienced in this crazy season? Can you give yourself a minute to sit with that. Don’t try to fix it or talk yourself out of it. Just feel it. It’s painful. But it will not consume you. What are some of the gains? Can you give yourself a minute to feel that, too? Because most of us have experienced both! And it’s complicated, because often we allow one to overshadow the other, or use one to dismiss the other. A hard season makes it harder to acknowledge the good. A good season makes us feel like we shouldn’t feel bad. But usually, there’s both happening at the same time.

The other complicating factor is comparison. Other people have it so much worse, what do I have to be sad about? Noah isn’t having to figure out how to work from home, pay bills or get groceries. But his four year old heart is missing his people, his routine. And that is valid! Do some people have it harder than him? Yes, but he has the gift of not knowing that. He gets to just feel about what he’s experiencing. What if we allowed ourselves the opportunity to do that too? Regardless of what someone else is experiencing, you are experiencing your hard right now. You’re allowed to feel it.

After you’ve given yourself some space to explore this for yourself, have that conversation with your kids in a way that fits your own voice. Here are the things to keep in mind.

1) Acknowledge the losses. Help them name some of the emotions related to those losses. Talk about what’s challenging. Give them a little space to feel it. If tears come, give them room for tears. If frustration comes, give room for it. Give them a minute to yell if they need to and not get in trouble for it. This does not give them license to be unkind to anyone, but a verbal outlet for their feelings.

2) Don’t rush to fix how they’re feeling. It’s not broken.

3) Acknowledge the gains. What’s been good? What’s been positive? How are you feeling about those things? Give space for that. Because we tend to receive emotions related to good things better than the ones related to hard things, there may not be as much need for outward expression because it feels safe to express happy on an ongoing basis. But it’s still so important to acknowledge it and sit with it for a minute.

4) What’s it like for both to be present? Happy and sad, both together. Talk about that tension. It’s weird. That’s the word I’m hearing most often as people process this. It’s a weird season. We don’t have great ways to talk about things that are both!

5) Let this be the first of many conversations. Check in every few days. “Noticed any other losses or gains?” “How are things feeling this week? What’s the strongest thing you’re feeling? What else is there, too?”

If talking about feelings with kids is a newer experience (as it is to many, many parents), try pulling up a list of feeling words to help you and them find the language. Another great resource is this children’s book. I love it because it talks about a number of different emotions and has great descriptive language for the experience of each one.*

If you are a Christian and want faith to be part of the conversation, you might talk about bringing our grief to God and also our gratitude. We can acknowledge our grief when we’re sad and hurting and He cares for us and comforts us. He also celebrates with us over the things for which we are grateful.

I hope this his helpful. I hope this gives you ideas on how to start a conversation and make it your own to help kids acknowledge all that is happening in their internal worlds. I’d love to hear your ideas as well! Let me know in the comments, here or on social media, how you’re talking with your kids about this weird time in which we’re living.

*Note: I am not affiliated with Amazon or with the author of the linked book.

Surviving a Pandemic

“Mommy, don’t touch your face! Don’t forget, you’re not supposed to touch your face!”

We sat down with Noah on Sunday and had a talk about germs and the virus. We got the idea for how to explain it to him from a video. We talked about washing our hands and, obviously, not touching our faces. So, now he’s the germ police and I am not mad about it. I want to keep him safe.

I was never the mom who put my kid in a bubble. (There’s nothing wrong with that mom, by the way!) I am pretty laid back by nature so, I haven’t been super worried about germs. Kids get colds. Of course, I’m not having him lick anyone with the flu, but I’m not uptight about germs. So, in light of this virus, I’m finding that I am not quite myself.

As a matter of fact, I think a lot of us are feeling that. Even the most laid back of us are feeling the panic right now. What is happening in the world is unprecedented and we have not experienced it in our lifetime. So much is unknown and so much is outside of our control. And because of social media, we are on information overload right now.

I wanted to do a post to share some things that I’m trying to keep in mind in the midst of all of this, as well as some resources that might be helpful.

1) All of those unknowns in your mind that get your brain a bit spinny: they are unknowns for everyone! No one knows when this thing will end. No one. No one can tell you, currently, when it is safe to go out again. And that doesn’t feel good. It’s really hard to not know what life will look like over the coming weeks and months. It’s hard to not know how to plan for the future. Life looks really different right now and it’s a huge adjustment for all of us. And we don’t know when we get to figure out what normal looks like on the other side of this. So, we just all have to try to take it one day at a time. Deep breath, everyone.

2) We are all grieving. Every last one of us is grieving something. For some, you’re grieving that you can’t just go eat at your favorite restaurant right now. That grief is valid. For some, you’re grieving the loss of milestones and big life events like graduations, proms, weddings, etc. Some are grieving the loss of loved ones. Some are grieving the loss of structure and routine and “normal” life. Actually, all of us are likely grieving that last one. Be kind to yourself in your grief. If you can be kind to yourself, you are much more likely to be kind to others. You might feel angry, sad, frustrated, devastated, depressed, anxious, overwhelmed, or any number of other things. All of these are normal experiences of grief. Don’t beat yourself up about them. And most of you are doing that, because our default is to be hard on ourselves. Just find healthy ways to express them when you can. Have a good cry, do a workout video, angry dance in your room, punch some pillows, anything that helps you get that grief out without hurting someone else. This is how to show kindness to yourself in it.

3) This is a lot. Our whole lives changed in the matter of a week. That is not an exaggeration. And, I’ve got to be honest with you, we may be here for a while. The idea of slowing the spread of the virus is a really good one because it makes us less likely to overwhelm our healthcare system. However, it also draws this out over a longer period of time. It’s going to take some time to figure this whole thing out. Give yourself and your family buckets of grace. Kids’ screen time may go up for a while so you can take a breath and figure this out. Suddenly, everyone is homeschooling and most of us did not sign up for this! You might need a little more Netflix bingeing or reading as an escape. I am not encouraging you to check out of your life altogether, but give yourself some breaks.

4) You are anxious. Seriously. It feels like someone pumped the air full of anxiety and we’re all just breathing it in all the time. You may think you’re not anxious, but I assure you, you are. Some of you think it’s crazy that I thought I needed to point that out. But I know it’s true because I’m one of you “non-anxious” types. I don’t run around screaming that the sky is falling in a crisis. I handle it. But I carry it all in my body. It just holds and absorbs all the stress. I bet my laid back friends have more headaches and back pain right now. I bet you find yourself more irritable with your loved ones. Whether you’re aware of your anxiety or not, you can take good care of yourself by giving yourself breaks and moving your body. If you notice that the questions are starting to make you feel like your head will explode; if someone says any more words, of any kind, you’re going to lose your mind; if you notice that you’ve been sitting in the same spot for a while and you can’t quite remember what you were doing or thinking about, all of these are signs of anxiety. Pay attention to that. Don’t avoid it or immediately try to fix it. Ask yourself what you’re feeling scare of and name it all. As much as you can. Then move your body!

5) Single friends, come here. Close, close in. I’m worried about you. Especially if you live alone. We all feel isolated right now, even in our homes that are full. But for my friends out there who are single, I just want to move you all into my house right this minute. There’s a lot of time for you to get in your head about things. There’s limited social interaction and no physical touch. Check on your friends that live alone. Find ways to connect with people in safe ways.

6) Control the controllables and try to let go of the rest. You cannot control whether people choose to follow guidelines for social distancing. You can control whether you do. We’re all trying to figure this thing out. For some people, until someone they know gets sick, they will continue to be out. I’m sorry. There’s not a thing you can do. Sure, post videos about exponential growth and flattening the curve. But also know, you can’t control their choices, no matter how scary and concerning they are to you. You can, however, choose not to allow someone in your home or around your people if they have been choosing things that make you uncomfortable. Also, you cannot control whether people judge the choices you make. If you need to go for a run or a hike for your mental health, there will be people who struggle with that. It’s because they’re scared. And you can’t control that. And you don’t have to.

Anxiety is always future focused, we worry about what is to come, but the present moment is safe. That’s why mindfulness is helpful, it grounds you in the present. I did a whole post on trying to help you ground in the present. There are also apps out there like Calm (ios or android) or Headspace (ios or android) that can help with grounding.

We all need to move our bodies! There are so so many resources out there for this. And a lot of them are free! One of my favorite YouTube channels is Yoga with Adriene. I don’t know Adriene, but she knows her stuff when it comes to yoga. She’s got videos of all different types and lengths, so dig around until you find something that fits you and your schedule. There are all types of videos out there for a good work out. Find ways to get your heart rate up! Your kids need to move, too! My friend, Aaron Wood, who’s a PE coach at a local elementary school, started a YouTube channel for his students so they could have PE class at home. He’s fun and goofy and the perfect PE teacher. Your kids will love it!

Find creative things to do! Again, YouTube is a great resource for this! Here’s a video of science projects you can do with things that you may already have lying around your home. Ever thought about learning calligraphy? Lindsey Bugbee of “The Postman’s Knock” has a great channel with lots of fun projects and lessons. Ever heard of Skillshare? They have classes for just about anything you might want to learn to do or make. You can sign up for a free membership which gives you access to some of their content. Their higher tier membership, that’s paid, gives you access to all of it. They give you 2 weeks or a month for free, but if you find a skillshare instructor on Instagram or a blog, they have referral links that give you two months free! Try searching "#skillshare on Instagram.

We are all on social media right now and it is a scary place to be! Scrolling is a way to escape, typically, but right now, our feeds are filled with scary stories, videos, and statistics. Try following some happy accounts on Instagram to give you a little break. Upworthy is one of my favorites. They, along with Good News Movement and Good, post happy, feel good content. Crisis brings out the very best and very worst in humanity. These feeds can give you a dose of the good.

Also, did you realize how often we all eat?? Three times EVERY SINGLE DAY! And the worst part for me is figuring out what to make! It’s exhausting! Supercook is a search engine that helps you find recipes based on what you have on hand in your pantry.

If you are a Christian and looking for some helpful voices, I’d love to introduce you to two of my favorites: Jenn Hand and Beth Wayland. Both have been working hard to provide content on social media to help you process what’s happening and to be a voice of hope and comfort.

A final note: my desire is to provide resources and ideas for you. I get no kickback, financial gain, or benefit from linking to any of the above parties. I am also not affiliated with any of them. So click to your hearts’ content and feel free to share your own ideas in the comments below or back on Facebook or Instagram.

Lordy, lordy...

I still remember my mom’s 40th birthday. Black balloons. Signs that said “Lordy, lordy, look who’s 40.” I celebrated my 40th birthday last week and it’s a strange feeling to be an age I can remember my mom being.

My friend, Beth, asked me what I wanted to do to celebrate. As an Enneagram 9, I had no idea how to answer that question! So, I took some time to think about it.

I’ve always wanted to run a half marathon. It’s on my bucket list. I’ve trained and completed a couple of 5k’s, and that’s amazing, but I always believed I had it in me to do a half. Years ago I was considering it, but we were also trying to get pregnant, and then I was pregnant, and then I had a little one. Once Noah got a little bigger and I figured out better balance, we were trying to get pregnant again! I knew I didn’t want to start training and work hard just to have to cancel because I was pregnant. So, I decided, that’s how I want to mark my 40th year. And it turned out to be one of the top five decisions of my life.

If you read this post, you know that I have a complicated relationship with my body. So, going into training, I decided that I wanted to train in a way that was kind and healthy for my body, not beating it into submission, but partnering with it to do this well. I had a few goals: 1) Don’t throw up. 2) Don’t get injured. 3) Run the whole thing.

In this spirit, I decided to start slow in my training. I’d done the couch to 5k plan a couple of times and found it to be really good. So, that’s what I started with and I built from there. I did some research on training plans and lots of people have lots of theories around what’s best for you. By the time I finished the couch to 5k, I was about 10 weeks out from my race and decided to start trying to add about one mile a week until it was time to taper. I also found that what worked best for me was to do a four or five mile run once or twice a week and to do a short 1-2 mile run the day before a long run.

So far I have not thrown up or been injured. I’ve also learned to listen to my body. Because of that, I have let go of my third goal. Ultimately, my more important goal is to finish the race without injury. And if that means I need to walk for a minute and stretch to get blood flow back to my calves, that’s what I want to do. Because my body, she is my partner in this whole thing, and I want to give her what she needs.

Listen, I have never loved running. I used to dread the Presidential fitness challenge and rarely finished in the time limit. Fourteen year old Casey would be so proud of me! I ran nine miles the other day! I used to say that I got a runner’s low: I felt nauseous and depressed after a run.

What I’ve found is that this process has been tremendously helpful and healing for me. As someone who sometimes experiences anxiety, I’ve found running to be the most helpful thing I’ve ever done to support my body in an anxious season. When we’re anxious, our bodies release adrenaline. This is a gift to us. The role of adrenaline is to give our body the extra resources it needs in a crisis to save our lives. But what if there’s no bear? If someone rings my doorbell and my dog loses it, my body thinks that we are in the midst of a crisis. If I have a conversation with a friend and get in my head about it later: crisis. Adrenaline is not actually helpful in either of those situations (it just makes me cranky with the missionaries at my door). I’ve found that running helps my body use up those extra, unnecessary resources. So, my overall anxiety has been lower and I’ve been sleeping better.

I’ve also grown quite fond of my body. I know that sounds weird, but it’s true. She’s worked hard and she’s shown up for me. And she can do SO much more than I ever realized. She’s strong and healthy. She’s slow, but steady and has amazing endurance. She’s resilient and I’m really proud of her.

Guys. I haven’t lost one pound. Truly. The scale has the same number as it did months ago. My body has changed some because I’ve gained some muscle. Maybe my clothes fit a little differently, but it’s not been drastic. Even though the amount of running has been drastic! I did not sign up for this for weight loss. It wasn’t about that. And it is a little confusing and weird that I haven’t lost weight. But I’m not angry at my body for that. As a matter of fact, I feel more comfortable in my own skin than I can remember feeling. I feel great about my body right now. Not because I’ve reached a goal weight or I’m suddenly the right size, but because she’s on my team. She’s a hard worker and is GOOD. She is healthy. She is strong. I actually love her. She carries so much for me and I ask so much of her and she keeps showing up. She is beautiful. Every curve and line of her. And I am just so grateful for her.

Did you know that we live most of our lives pretty disconnected from our bodies? Andy Stanley said we are least aware of what is most present. There are few things as present in our lives as our bodies. When was the last time you noticed your left ear? Or your right big toe? Unless something’s wrong or we’re experiencing pain, we tend to live pretty unaware of our bodies unless we are doing something very physical with them. Running has helped me reconnect with my body in some helpful and important ways and I’ve learned to listen to her and trust her.

On this idea of disconnection, Hillary McBride challenges us to use pronouns when we talk about our body. Did you even realize that you most often describe your body as it? I bet you noticed I used she and her and it felt a little weird. Honestly, it feels a little weird for me, too. But I’m trying to think of my body as less of an object and more of a person. I’d love to challenge you to try this. I just went back and read what I’d written and noticed that early on, I actually called my body “it.” So, I’m still working on this. But you see that when I start to talk about how I relate to my body, the pronouns came.

I was afraid to talk about the half marathon early on in my training because I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to do it. The race is next week and this thing is happening! I’m actually really excited about it! So, next Saturday, while you’re enjoying your coffee and pancakes, pray for me (and my sweet husband, he’s running with me)! Or better yet, come on up to Raccoon Mountain and cheer us on!

Dear Body,

Note: To clarify, this post was written several months ago when we were about to start a round of IVF. As I mentioned in a different post, that round was unsuccessful.

We have had a rocky relationship, at best. It started out ok. When I was a little girl, I was pretty unaware of you. I mean, I knew I could run and jump and be tickled. I knew what it felt like to swim in our cold, cold creek and come back up to the house and put warm, dry clothes on. I remember things like watermelon running sticky down my chin. I remember when my parents bought a new car and picked us up from my aunt and uncle’s house. It was late and I was in pj’s and my feet were bare. I remember running them back and forth over the soft upholstery of the car. My attitude toward you was neutral at worst.

I remember when that changed.

I overheard two people who loved me very much talking to one another. “Casey’s getting fat.” I didn’t know. I hadn’t noticed how my body was getting rounder, my lines softer. I could still run and jump and it seemed fine to me. Until then. To this day, when I hear someone refer to themselves or someone else as fat, I feel like I’ve been punched in the gut. It feels violent that we would talk about our own body or someone else’s that way.

I didn’t know what to do about it, but I knew it wasn’t ok. Not much changed in how I treated you after that, not right away, but how I thought of you shifted tremendously. I was ashamed of you. That makes me so sad now to say that. But it’s true. Not too long after that I started cheerleading. I loved it so much and you were pretty amazing. I remember running back and forth across the yard, teaching myself to do roundoffs, practicing cheers and jumps. Cheering is hard work and I was here for all of it. I wasn’t trying to lose weight, just doing something I loved. But I did. And people noticed. And that felt good. Another overheard conversation: “Casey used to be kinda chubby like, but she’s slimmed down.” Relief.

As kids, we all believe the world is watching. We believe we’re in the spotlight. And overhearing conversations like these, reinforced that belief. Body, I believed you were a topic of conversation, because you were. People were looking at you and forming opinions about you. So, I decided to do whatever I could to keep you in check.

I remember getting weighed in gym class freshman year. We stepped on the scale and the teacher called out the number. I was 101 lbs. That number scared me. I thought I was fat. So, most days I skipped lunch that year.

We were fine, for the most part, until about 10 years ago. I started getting migraines, struggled with feeling nauseous most of the time, and was chronically fatigued. I went to the doctor a number of times, asking for tests. There were no answers. I felt betrayed. What was wrong with you? Why couldn’t you get it together? I’d been healthy for so much of my life, hadn’t gone to a doctor at all for over a decade. and now this? I went to a practice that took a more “wholistic” approach and they took me off food and put me on supplements. No dairy, gluten, corn, eggs, soy, low carb. You were not ok through that process and the detox. It got worse before it got better. Maybe you needed that. Maybe you did. I was so mad at you. It felt like a betrayal. I realize now you were just trying to tell me that you weren’t ok. I still don’t understand why. What happened?

I was a surprise baby, so I expected pregnancy to come easily. When it didn’t, I blamed you. It’s such a helpless feeling to be trying to get pregnant and not be able to. No one could give us answers. And then it happened. And then the biggest betrayal of all: we lost the baby. I was so mad at you. How could you do that? People get and stay pregnant all the time. Why couldn’t you?? Part of me knows that it’s not your fault. But it’s so much easier to blame you than to let there be mystery.

When we got pregnant again almost immediately, I called a truce with you. I was still angry. But I didn’t want to do anything to mess that pregnancy up, so I was kind to you. You are a wonder. The way you grew and held and protected and nourished that perfect baby boy. I remember exactly what his little feet felt like pressing into my ribs. I remember what it felt like to be kicked in the bladder. Because you carried him. We still don’t really understand why my water broke when it did. He hadn’t dropped, it was two and a half weeks early. Labor progressed so slowly. Over 30 hrs of labor, 2 1/2 hrs of pushing and a c-section later, and he was here. You and I had some things to work through. Why did that end in a c-section? Why couldn’t you deliver him? Breast feeding went ok, but you didn’t produce a ton of milk and he weaned himself at seven months.

I was having back problems after he was delivered and you were in chronic pain. That may have something to do with your struggle to produce milk. Just getting through the day was really hard on you. I had been working 12 hr days, even the day that I went into labor. Maybe it was too much to ask of you. I can be so hard on you, I ask you to carry so much. I think maybe I’ve been unkind to you.

We have put you through a lot the last few years. Five rounds of IUI. You’ve probably given up quarts of blood for all the blood work. You’ve been poked and prodded everywhere imaginable. You’ve been ramped up with hormones and carried the pressure of all of our expectations. You’ve lost three more babies and I’ve expected you to carry the grief of that, all the while blaming you for it. And to add insult to injury, I’ve been so mad at you for not being the size that I’d prefer. When I write all this out, that seems so ludicrous!

I’m sorry. I’m sorry for being so hard on you and blaming you for so much. You have been so strong. You are healthy. You lift up that beautiful boy and carry him with your strong arms. You are soft when he snuggles in. You are able to run and jump and feel pleasure and let me know when I need a break or I’m pushing myself too hard. You have been so good to me and my family and I’ve been so hard on you.

I have to ask more of you. Tomorrow we start stimulation for IVF. You’re going to get injections and pills every day. I’m going to throw you all out of wack. I’m going to work hard to take care of you through all of this. And I hope so dearly that this leads to a baby. Truly I do. But I won’t blame you if it doesn’t. And this is it. After this, you can have a break. You can do this. I know you can. Because you are a wonder.

The Key to Calm

As promised, today I’m going to introduce you to your vagus nerve. And I’m going to do this by walking you through a quick exercise.

First, let me just remind you of the anxiety scale found here. In that post I talked about how anxiety builds on itself and described how it feels on a scale of 1-10. If your anxiety level is higher than a 5-6, you may not notice much benefit from doing an exercise like this. At that point, I’d recommend going for a good long run and getting out some of that excess energy. Then come back here and try this out.

First, I want you to take a second and check in with your body. If you’ve never done this before, it’s a good practice to have. Notice what sensations you feel. Notice if there’s any tightness or tension. Now, find your breath. I know that sounds weird, but we tend to walk around in the world breathing all the time and never really being aware of it. When you move attention to your breath, you automatically deepen it a little bit. Now, I’d like for you to deepen it a little more.

Take a second here and close your eyes and really focus on your breathing. Focus on letting your belly rise first, then your chest and shoulders. Focus on releasing the breath as if you’d just blown up a balloon and let go of it. Let it flow out of your body unforced and uncontrolled. Just let it go.

There. Did you notice that feeling? Take a few more of those breaths. Stop here for a second and just breath. I’ll wait.

Deep breath in, and, as you breath out, let you body sink a little deeper into whatever chair or couch you might be sitting on. You might find that you were, in fact, feeling some tension before, but you didn’t notice it until it started to seep out with your breath.

Did you know that most of us breath differently when we are awake than we do when we are asleep? When we’re awake we breath in, pause, breath out. When we’re sleeping, we tend to breath in, breath out, pause. So, when we’re awake, we tend to be holding our breath a little bit all day long. That may have been the sensation you noticed when you breathed out that first time. You stopped holding your breath.

The vagus nerve is located behind your lungs and diaphragm. It’s part of your parasympathetic nervous system, which is responsible for the fight/flight response. It has a number of jobs, but the one we’re looking at today is that, when stimulated, it sends a signal to your brain that tells your body it’s time to calm down. So, when you take good deep breaths like this, your lungs and diaphragm massage the vagus nerve and activate it.

This can be so empowering! If you can begin to practice this deep breathing and start using it in tense or stressful situations, it can help you to regulate your body. It can help keep you more calm so that you can exercise good decision making and respond, rather than react, to your situation.

This is a great tool to keep in mind when you’re asking your boss for a raise, standing up to address a group of people, taking off on a flight, etc.

What about you? When do you think you could use a little extra vagus nerve activation?